This time of the year is rather filled with what-if memories of years gone by. It’s a time of healing and growth and making peace with losing my babies.
It is a time of unraveling my life’s purpose and dealing with depression, anxiety and for the first time, sharing my thoughts, feelings and healing on this stage. As I have said many times before, I hardly post here because I only share my life experiences that I have healed from or healing from.
I lost my twin babies four years ago… this is what I wrote in my diary moments after they were removed from my body after using my body as their tomb for a week having found out that they were no more.
Whatever uphill battle you are facing, whatever hardships are weighing you down, never forget to live in the NOW. Living in the past is abiding to the Ego’s pitty party, a venomous place in which no healing is found, a disastrous avenue waiting to tear you apart. A bitter place ready to remind of what could have been. A mental prison filled with illusions of ‘Oh poor me’ feelings of self guilt that do nothing but obscure the God in You. In us all.
My mental, emotional and Spiritual being has no place for the accumulation of negative grief, anger, hostility, regret and unnecessary baggage that does not feed my body with the vital positive emotion to nudge me through propelling me forward.
I may look at this ordeal from a ‘Why God, oh why?!’ Self pitty mindset at times, but that would do my Spiritual Being a great disservice, thus elevate my pain body to a disillusioned height of formless unworthy and unwanted presence.
Afterall, what are the chances according to the law of what is God’s Deed, that this heart wrenching, jaw dropping, and tear inducing event turning my womb into a tomb would not have occurred if I posted less about it on social media? If I kept it a secret from friends and extended family? If I had not been so physically antisocial? Did I worry or drive too much? Did the pressure of my distant marriage put too much pressure on me? The reality is NONE of these events have the power to change and or alter God’s will upon my life, for I believe it was cast in stone. Therefore I count my blessings and not my troubles.
#DearUniverse I pray to continue to be genuinely happy for friends and fellow women who share their pregnancies with me. I pray I continue to hold new born babies of those close to me and random with as much love and affection as I did and still do for my own. I pray I continue to believe that the the next woman blessings is no cause for me to be bitter.
Death is but part of life and denying it, is refusing to live fully. As the Mother Goose rhyme goes;
“For every ailment under the sun,
There is a remedy,
Or there is none.
If there be one,
Try to find it.
If there be none,
Never mind it.”
And when my pain body awakes please help me to stop ‘dead’ in my tracks and continue repeat this little prayer;
“God grant me the serenity to accept the
Things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
For I choose to dwell in the beautiful never to be forgotten five months I had of nothing short of memorable beautiful and bountiful bonding sessions, love, laughter, tears, sadness, and everything nice I had with my babies as well as the week of detachment. Because all are indeed blessings – one gave me life and the other saved my life.
As the blood that runs so smoothly through my veins and the heart that pumps silent rhythmical beats on repeat keep reminding me to Shhhhhhhhh… Be-gin Be-gin Be-gin again.
And so I shall afterall, my Blood type is B-Positive and my name, Nompumelelo (Success)!
#DearDiary entry 08.11.2014 16h25* (moments after surgery)