I think what we have been taught about love, marriage and everlasting happiness does apply to me. Call me a revolutionary hippie, I like to test the boundaries a little. I like to live on the other side of what is normal. I live in a realm called common sense and I often sat in silence as a kid wondering what more is out there, what more is there for me to explore, maybe I was a gypsy explorer of sorts in my past life, I guess. Or maybe I’m just an innocent inquisitive soul that does not subscribe to what is normal. Or I am down-right looney…
“long distance relationships are hard, but they’re also incredible.”- Relationship rules.
You see, I have come to learn that I am a rather simple yet complicated being. I am a thinker, I think a lot. I sit with my thoughts and life experiences and dissect them layer by layer to over-stand how to handle the task and what it requires of me. This can make me very difficult handle, moody and distant, but I mean no harm. I love my space and alone time, I really do. I think it is good for my mind, body and soul and as a result, it is great for my marriage too. Because I have learnt that a pleasant well looked after and nourished soul makes a pleasant well-balanced being, so before I commit to take care of anyone else, I need to ensure that I am alright. Don’t get me wrong, I do miss my husband and his presence. But in some crazy and unexplainable way, I enjoy missing him. It feels like a privilege of sorts. We got married too quick, too soon. I walked down the aisle on the sixth month of us dating, yeah, I know, face-palm moment right?! who does that?! SMH! We had to force-learn each other real quick. Our Souls were clearly somewhat vibrating on some connected sympathetic frequencies. Our body, mind and egos just had to learn to vibrate together in that realm. It took time… Good thing was/is love does not know time, it does not speak that language. In my world, love is fair, it is freedom, it allows for individual transformation. Love say’s baby, take care of you for me and I will take care of me for you, you feel me? It is not selfish, love tells me go do you boo-thang, make you happy. It does not care how long you know someone, Love just knows how to resonate with what feels like home. And once it has found home, you are fcuked! I’m kidding. well.. kinda… in a good way.
It is a known fact that marriage is not for the faint hearted right, well let me tell you that adding distance to marriage is definitely NOT for the insecure. Many may think that a distant marriage is a recipe for disaster, I beg to differ with that trail of assumption. Because marital disaster can strike any marriage, be it long distance or not. Marriage in itself is not a problem, it is the governing body (husband and wife) that hold the responsibility to make it work or break it. I’ll share a few lessons I have learnt in my long distance marriage, in the event you find yourself in one. I had to figure it out by myself, so just making it easier for the next couple.
- Skype, FaceTime, WhatsApp, social media become your best friends. The sooner you make peace with that, the sooner you’ll make peace with the fact that your partner will stalk your ass! everyday! Just allow.
- NOBODY will understand the dynamics of you long-distant marriage, not your mother, not your siblings, neither your grandmother. Don’t expect to treat your long distance marriage with the same kit gloves as theirs. you will only frustrate yourself. Find your niche and deal with your problems together and just tell everyone else to shut up.
- Communication can and will get difficult at times, learn to make important family decisions on your own.
- Do not rely too much on outside help. How many times are you going to knock on your neighbor’s door, asking her for her husbands help to drill a hole on your wall, open a jar that was closed too tight, change your punctured tyre etc. before she gets irritated with your needy ass??? Learn to do things on your own. My siblings call me “Malume Mpumi” because I had to learn to change my car tyre, drill holes in the wall, and use the lawn mower and other manly stuff, thanks to YOUTUBE tutorial videos. It’s not that I don’t want to ask for help, It’s just my life is wired in such a way that I cannot allow myself to get used to asking for help. make sense?
- You learn that loyalty takes on a different or rather new meaning. Be loyal to yourself first.
- Learn to live without sex!!! throw all your toys out, don’t watch porn, do not touch yourself. practice abstinence, just learn to live without it. Why, you ask? You’ll appreciate it more when your turn comes. Plus it sharpens your self-control mechanism and makes you love and respect yourself more. And that’s great!
- When you and your spouse are together, do not be in each others faces all the damn time. nizobulalana! Give each other space, after all, its familiar territory for both of you.
- Make sure you have a hobby and love it hard. otherwise you’ll watch paint dry. And that leads to an idle mind, and an idle mind is the devils playground, you know what I’m trying to say.
- Never fight your partner when he packs his bags to leave and try to not have a party either, you never know if that is the last time you’ll seen him…
- Never adopt a “can’t do” attitude, you can’t afford such negativity.
- When children are involved, one parent may need to make a decision to stay home and find other means of generating income, because both parents can’t be absent in the children’s lives. Housewifery and being a Stay-at-home-mom is tough when you are a driven go-getter like myself, you will go crazy, trust me, but you will make it work and excel at it.
- COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! even if it means just saying ‘hi, how are you’. just make sure you communicate dammit. Thinking nice thoughts of your partner just won’t cut it. Tell him/her instead!
- Be honest in your truth. I often say, DO NOT ask me anything you are not ready to hear the answer to. JUST DON’T. my truth is brutal.
- You’ll both get frustrated by the distance, just make sure that you take turns at being vulnerable. You can’t both be frustrated together. It’ll be nasty, distance amplifies the drama.
- Have a life. really, HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Go out, meet people, have fun, travel solo, explore things man. Just don’t sit at home like a mantjingilani tu. PHUMA UZIJABULISE ghel! or else uzofa yidepression tana.
- Take care of home, the finances, and all other responsibilities pertaining to the Homefront before impressing the streets nana. Keeping up with whats hip and happening right now can only last so long before home starts cracking. so don’t drop the ball. FOCUS!
- Frankly, some people prefer living together and others are ok with living apart. Whichever rhythm works for you, find it, keep it and make it work.
In all honesty and fairness, this life is not easy at times and thoughts of filling for a divorce may cross your mind because one can only deal with so much loneliness before it gets unbearable. Save yourself the trip to lawyers office and lawyer fees and know that you are not alone. Trust me, I have gone through the motions and emotions and I did that all alone with help from my support structure (Close friends and family).
Yes, this world is lonely, real lonely and has all the ripe ingredients that contribute to marital failure. Your morals and faith will be tested and your patience will thin-out. It is a weird loving union that can work, but both of you have to be committed to making it work. I’m living proof.