[disclaimer] Ladies, I think by now you know that I am no therapist or social worker, I merely share how I deal/dealt. You may agree or disagree that’s fine, what works for me may not necessarily work for you. after all, our experiences are not identical. use it, don’t use it is totally up to you.
Everyone has their views on this topic and I of coarse have mine too. Lets just say, my tears don’t roll down my face as they should or used to. I have become numb to this experience and it’s existence, don’t get me wrong, I do get jealous but I never lose my cool. I never deal with the woman… But you best be sure that I’ll have my moment with the man in private. The golden rule of keeping mum was chucked out window along with my one dimension thinking in the year 19Ain’tNobodyGotTimeForThat. See, my outlook on being cheated on may be judged by some as harsh and borderline insensitive but then again so has my journey down my introspection lane. And while I am at it, let me go on record by shamelessly admitting that If I see your partner entangled in a rendezvous come tête-à-tête kind of intimate session with someone other than you, you best believe that I am keeping my mouth shut! It is none of my business! I deal with truth. My truth. My way.
Soo…. You just found out that your partner has been doing the nasty with another woman (or man – You never know these days!) as you may or may not have suspected. . Your chest instantly heats up, you become light-headed, your heart sinks, shocked and breathless, gravity disappears as your knees go weak while you helplessly quiver to the ground gasping for air, teary eyed thinking HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME? You awaken the inner Tong Po in you with every breath you take. Becoming more and more furious, fury filled with bitter rage (with good reason), frustrated without a doubt. You are willing to sacrifice your class, femininity, dignity, and smile to downright whip her ass and show her who the boss lady is. Right? While your girlfriends cheer you on….DON’T DO IT….Though tempting, what if the other woman is a Blackbelt and Tae Kwon Do Champion with biceps and triceps of steel and a rock hard eight pack???? Who’s gonna whoop whose ass now teary Tong Po??? Don’t stoop that low. I hope my words will urge you not to fall into the side-chick trap. Be gentle with your anger and you will see clearer.
Maybe I am a bit odd, silly, or brave to tackle such a taboo and sensitive topic on such a platform. Or maybe I am gutfull (urban meaning) of the tears, self-doubt, depression and why me questions leading to the emotional turmoil that possess/d my girlfriends, myself and many women before us. Look, I don’t subscribe to this nonsocial golden rule of keeping such info hush. And frankly I think far too many Ladies focus too much of their time and wasted emotions on the other woman giving her staying power over them. Lets be honest for a moment ladies, you want to tell me that none of you have ever been the other woman at any point in your lives? No? i figured you’d say that. You want to tell me that all the men you dated were not seeing someone else at the time your relationship started? Be it you knew about it or found out later, even if that relationship was on the verge of ending. Fact is you stayed in it knowing that another woman was in his life. Let’s not try to justify it, or sugarcoat it, if you answered yes to the above question, you too have played the role of the other woman. I know I have. My ex hubby was dating a beautiful dark-skinned woman with the most gorgeous legs when their relationship ended because of me. She wanted to bash my head in with good reason but he protected me by laying his hand on her. Later Karma became the bitch I once was. And yes, you can object and say that does not count because they were just dating not married. Well, I beg to differ, because pain is pain is pain and at that point in my life, my heart too was taken by someone I couldn’t call my own at the time. Dont get me wrong, I am not condoning cheating in any way nor do I choose to judge it. My life experiences enable me to see life from many a different angles through understanding, non-judgemental and forgiving eyes. At the end of the day, no matter which side you are on, one has to bear a lot of pain when you have a man you have to share. Just provoking a thought to play around with.
Reality is, the side chick is not happy living in your shadow and you living behind her lids. Your qualities she cannot mimic therefore making her a gimmick. She lives in the ‘What-if‘stage of your reality, and stalks your every move, she reads every Facebook/twitter status update you post and yearns to comment, but is constantly reminded that ‘Extras‘ don’t communicate with the ‘Main cast’ when the cameras are rolling. The side-chick takes his lies laying on her back and between her legs while you turn a blind eye to the fissure in his truth. She would give anything to move out of the blur and into the light. She is in silent constant competition with you 24/7/365. Sometimes she is content being his cum collector, other times she wants the entire shebang! Truth be told!
Most times, The other woman/Side-chick/Home-wrecker/[insert derogatory word here] or whatever else you refer to her as, is a woman raised with morals and dignity, She could be your daughter, sister, mother, aunt, or grandma. She is self-loving and respecting, given the right opportunity she’d make an awesome mother and wife to a deserving man. She is just a woman who fell into the trap of allowing her thoughts to play out as actions in her moment of weakness. So before you go judging… Remember this, Beware of that which you judge, for you shall become…
Ladies, I too have been in your shoes, not once, not twice and more than thrice. I’ve banged my head against concrete walls, walked the streets at ungodly hours in pursuit to bust him, snooped, called and confronted the other woman, I’ve even had one of his many side-chicks proudly tell me what my then bedroom looked like when I was pregnant with my daughter. These women came in different shapes and sizes, some were older, much much older, others fell within my age group, some younger, and one was my high school class mate. I went from begging him to come clean, to walking through town on a busy day wondering “could it be her? or her? she looks pretty enough to grab his attention, oh my word I’m convinced it’s her” with every woman who crossed my path at busy intersections. I had one of his concubines call the house phone asking to talk to him and other times I listened to recorded voice messages saying: “Hey love, when are we going to see you again? We miss you…” That was the moment my gut knew he had another baby out there round the same time I was nursing his infant daughter. Not to mention being beaten up every time I wanted clarity by asking WHY??? And the threats to kill us both if I left him “If I can’t have you nobody else will” he’d utter and I would shiver. In the end I RAN AWAY! That’s just the tip of the iceberg! Needless to say, not only am I healed. I am numb too. And I think I’ve earned my stripes to discuss this topic because I know first hand what I’m talking about. wouldn’t you agree?
One needs to understand that an insecure and or unstable relationship comes with a false sense of entitlement and fear of losing. Yes, being cheated on hurts a great deal and it is within that hurt where we are prone to act irrational leading to irreversible actions that have landed many six-feet under ground and others behind bars. Others decide to take to the street and beat the heck out of the side-chick then post the deed on YouTube, some stay and work things out, others leave, and sadly some never heal. Whatever your reaction… The onus is on YOU not her or him! You just can’t sit there and wallow in your depression Sista! There comes a point in life where one has to suck it up pain, tears and all and tread on that road to recovery packed with nothing but ammunition and fuel to not only pull through, but survive!
It is easier to pass blame and nay remarks at the other woman, call her names and ridicule her existence on Sunday gossip/tabloid papers, forgetting that sometimes you need not leave your own doorstep when looking for someone to blame. Because most times when pointing a finger at someone we forget to see the four fingers pointing back at ourselves. It takes two to turn a house into a home and two to wreck it. Ask yourself this, Who leaves a happy home??? Unless they are unhappy within.
Cheating is like putting a plaster over an open wound, the wound gets moist and does not heal causing infection. unless you deal with the cause leading to the grief in your relationship, No therapist can help you and your partner. Healing starts with YOU not a red sofa in some shrinks office, you can’t solve a problem with the same mentality that caused it. Oh and don’t forget that grief leads one to yearn for a human touch… #JustSaying
My advice on handling, coping and dealing with infidelity
. Know that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! NONE OF IT WAS! AND NONE OF IT IS!
. Accept it.
. DO NOT CONTACT HER! Do not seek answers or confirmation from her, dont give her reason to further destroy you by giving her the power to either give you false info, or withhold information from you. either way YOU’LL WISH YOU NEVER CALLED!.
. If you don’t know her name, her face, her voice… GOOD! Keep it that way! The last thing you need are images of her floating behind your eyelids.
. KEEP CALM and Remember you still have a life to live and daily responsibilities to tend to.
. Don’t fight her… Get even with your partner.
. NEVER let other woman be the reason your relationship ends…
. If it’s any consolation, even Haley Barry, Princess Diana, Hillary Clinton, myself and many other women survived! hahahahaha….
. Your focus should not be to teach people lessons. Karma handles that pretty well.
. And don’t ever let the other woman render you sleepless!