PUMI'S blog…

Interracial Romance – with impure motives is disturbing…

Hear me clearly, I truly believe that one is free to date anyone they please from any race or pigment. Heck, you can date a three-legged man for all I care. I mean, I have a non-sexual thing for Maasai men, Lets just say…I find them hypnotic and very National Geographic (but shhhh… don’t tell anyone) 😉  What is wrong is dating your partner with impure motives. Now that is rather disturbing!

I quickly learnt that romance with a white man was/is not  like the kind Ridge Forester of The Bold And The Beautiful, portrayed on-screen. And I now know that a good man, good love, honesty, warm and gentle cuddles, caring, sincere passion and mind-blowing *ahem, ahem* ‘motion of the ocean’ has nothing to do with a man’s skin colour.

See, romance in my view, is a tool to enslave the heart and love? Love on the other hand, is free man…

I have acknowledged that a healthy breed of young black women are finding it rather fashionable to date outside their race for the wrong reasons. Yes, I said it! And I will say it again. A healthy breed of young black, beautiful women think it rather fashionable to date outside their race for the wrong reasons and that in my books is borderline self-hate.

Just because you have dated a long streak of losers, deadbeat-cheating manipulators who all belong to your racial group does not mean you will have better luck at dating a white man. Trust me, I know only too well. Deadbeat cheating manipulators do not only belong to one racial group of men, you know.

Maybe the answer to your romance (heart enslaving tool) problems is not crossing the colour line border but by internally dissecting why you are drawn to inappropriate partners. Because in an ideal world, no one dates interracially or otherwise because of external pressures that are influenced by what is trendy right now, so why would you? Is it because everyone is doing it? Does it look cool? You want to taste? Is it a fetish? Is the love more than skin deep or is it only skin deep? See, The interests and chemistry you have with a partner should be pure and not driven by sick ulterior motives. The only thing you will gain from that is a large bowl of heartache and vile insecurities. Remember this, an insecure person rarely makes a good partner and until you love yourself, you can’t thoroughly love yourself let alone another. <- Now, take that to the bank and cash it before you take that plunge!

Many black people think a black woman is ‘lucky’ when a white man peruses, dates and or marries her. Lucky? Really? REALLY? Are we that ashamed of our blackness to degrade ourselves in such a manner? Or has our intense brush with apartheid left us feeling and believing we are second best to ourselves? Is a black man draped with ‘unlucky’? I can boldly debate that notion with no shame, because I know a number of good, proud, wise, responsible loving, well raised black men I’d be proud not ‘lucky’ to date. And trust me these men are not made-up imaginary characters in my head, they do exist in the flesh!

There is already a certain stigma that continues to enshrine interracial relationships (in this case, black woman-white man) and society isn’t always kind. Fact is anyone who dates interracially runs the risk of incurring disapproval (verbal or non-verbal) from friends, strangers and/or family. Just as dating interracially based on stereotype is objectionable, so is dating someone, anyone for false personal gain or because you suffer from your own internalized issues with racism.

The person you are dating should be the primary reason for entering any relationship, not because it’s cool or for what you can get out of him. There are a fair share of problems posed by cultural differences and issues, expectations, stresses, tensions be it racial or personal (from family, friends and society), occasional whispers and stares that come with dating across the colour barrier, before you tackle your relationship issues. Now do not add to that drama by having unreasonable, unrealistic and untrue expectations both on yourself and your partner. Date who you want but make sure it is for the right reasons and do not make a permanent decision on temporary emotions.

At the end of the day it is all about who you truly love, not who they are, what they can do/provide for you or what skin they come draped in. Remember, black isn’t always bad and white isn’t always good. People have their own preferences, trust me ,I have mine too and I’m not talking Maasai… Let me stop here before I get into more trouble. 😉

Love and light!

This entry was published on October 21, 2012 at 01:25 and is filed under Interracial Romance. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

16 thoughts on “Interracial Romance – with impure motives is disturbing…

  1. Tshegofatso on said:

    Amen to that, so tired of being told I’m lucky. Now I know what to say to them, thank you choma

  2. Thandeka on said:

    Why do I feel sub-blogged? LOL!

    I have a facebook friend that is engaged to a white guy and carrying his child. And I’m going to be honest with u, I always felt and still do feel like she’s LUCKY! I think I even tweeted that I wanted to marry a white guy last night.. And it is all for the wrong reasons. In my mind, when you are dating a white guy, u get flowers sent to u everyday. There’s random weekend getaways. To me, white guys are romantic and 100x better than black men!

    Boy did this article open my eyes! I had my fair share of black “deadbeat-cheating manipulators” and it got to a point where I thought maybe if I changed races it would be better. But it just hit me ukuthi NAH, they are all human maan!
    Thanks to U!

    By the way, I miss u on Twira!

    • Hahahaha… @ ‘Why do I feel Sub-blogged?

      Thandeka, I dated white men because of my string of deadbeat-cheating manipulators,
      And I do remember painting all Black men with the same paintbrush I used to paint the three men who hurt me beyond measure, so I made a permanent decision on temporary emotions! And boy was I wrong!!!

      I then realized that hating on a black men, is in essence hating myself because I AM who I am because of him! <- how can you hate that?

      P.s: Miss you too, not sure if I'll be back though. But you know where to find me 😉 XOXO

  3. unsilenced on said:

    i am attracted to men of all races. but i’d rather have a white man. he has a better chance (not guarantee but a much better chance) of having an inheritance of some sort – all my white friends have inherited something, a promotion at work (nicer pay to raise our kids) – no matter how dim or untalented he is and a dual citizenship which may give me a chance of moving elsewhere and seeing my kids grow up, than a country where a black person has a life expectancy 20 years shorter than a white person – which of course means the kids also have a better chance of having at least one parent survive and doting grandparents, which i certainly never had as they were all gone by the time i was 5 and my mother by the time i was 16. those are the unfortunate facts.

    • Hi Unsilenced, thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment.
      Also, very sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you. Your ‘unfortunate facts’ read angry/bitter/one dimension and rather disturbing. Please unpack this for me, and trust me I mean no disrespect; Do you think your parents passed on because they were Black?

      ‘Inheritance, traveling, living/raising children NOT kids in a different country, a nicer pay to raise your children, a promotion, children having doting grandparents, dual citizenship ‘ <- these are not a white man's thing to provide! They are certainly achievable through either hard word and dedication and in some cases by default of birth. I am a black woman who can proudly say that, my parents (both still alive) have worked hard (and continue to) at establishing a inheritance (Two companies in fact) I'm more than proud to further establish with their blessings of coarse, and that of my 'doting grandmother', My Son has dual citizenship, which I gave him by default of being his 'black mother, I could go on and on.

      In essence, We all have preferences and no one can crucify you for that, I mean you prefer white men, right? Just don't bring black people/parents/families down in trying to justify your notion. See, if you love someone for what you can/will inherit from them, surely that can't be love, no? Be careful what you wish for.

      Death may have stolen your parents from you at a tender age, but I'm sure the love they had for you was genuine and pure , again sorry for your loss and thank you for reading.

      • Nosferatu17 on said:

        In response to Unsilenced. Why does it have to take a white man to provide the lifestyle you want for yourself and children? First it starts with you. All you aspire for, trust me you don’t need a man of ANY race to make that possible for you. You can work hard enough to secure those yourself. If all you want from a marriage are the perks, then your response is irrelevant here. How about you build your own empire first, to prove to us Afrikan men how we fail(ed) you? I’m a single parent and Blackr, who makes time to work and travel at my own expense, whether it’s to go to Canada or New Canada ko batla pasa. Sounds like you’re expecting things on a platter because you believe a rich white man is THEE ultimate solution to your anticipated perks. At what cost? Does love even matter to you? Not even ONCE did you mention it in your response. I suggest you read the article again to understand its essence. Your motives aren’t pure clearly. I’m not surprised, are you?

  4. unsilenced on said:

    pumi, as i say, not guarantee, but a better chance. the facts i refer to are that white people at 9.6% of the populations control 80% of the country’s wealth and own 87% of the privately owned land, so there is certainly a better chance of a white man being better off than a black man. black people continue to do the hardest work in the country, so i disagree with you that hard work has anything to do with material wealth. you may want to dispute this, but for example the men of marikana do work that is internationally recognised as the hardest job in the world. they work up to 14hours a day. they settled for a wage of between 9000 and 11 000 per month after years of earning R4000 or less. the average white wage is 12.500. so they are still not even getting that. i read a story of a father and son who were both on that hill; 42 and 19 respectively and supporting 18 people between them on that R4000 each. i find it hard to believe that they could have accumulated anything to pass on to the next generation and now they are both dead. have we ever seen such a mass murder of white men in this country? the mean age of the men who died there was 32. the life expectancy of a black man is 43, of a white man is 60 (17 years more). black women sit at 49, white women at 70 (21 years). from that tiny percentage of white people, 65% of manegerial positions are filled by whites – so your white man is almost guaranteed such a position at some point in his life. on some level because of education. in the 70’s the white govt spent 7cents per day on the education of a black child and 52c on the education of a white child. but for example the Spar group has few store managers who have anything beyond matric level. yet those managers are still overwhelmingly white. job reservation is alive and well in south africa, pumi and i refuse to pretend that because a few black people have gotten rich that fact has changed with any significance.

    i am really happy for you that you have dual citizenship, but most of the people that i know who have that are british and dutch passport holders and are overwhelmingly white. they don’t even need to have set foot in these countries. zimbabwe does not allow dual citizenship and the only 2 black people i know who have anything else are nigerian and zambian. but otherwise, your black guy is likely to be a home grown south african who have no such alternatives.

    i absolutely know that my mother passed away because she was black. she was not even in ICU as she was not in critical shape. however the hospital where she died serves 3 townships and various semi rural enclaves. about 2 million people in total and continues to be severely under-staffed and over crowded 18 years into so called democracy as no new hospitals have been built for the black people there. i admit i have a slightly better chance. living in the suburbs i have no less than six hospitals within a 10 kilometre radius. unfortunately 4 of them are private, so until i can afford medical aid, which most of my white neighbours have, as well as suburb rents, i have 2. and this is formerly “poor white” suburb. nothing fancy. but i’m still grateful (like a good black). our home in the township is 35km from that horrific hospital and there are no other alternatives. most of the family i have left (including two nieces and two nephews – little kids that deserve so much better), still live around there, so whenever something happens to anyone, no matter how minor, we know to prepare for the worst.

    so, no matter how much i am genuinely attracted to men of all races, i know it would be better to fall in love with a white man. my kids are more likely to have medical aid and live walking distance to better schools and not have to spend hours in those death machines called taxi’s – which is the case for my brother’s kids, which makes a difference to their academic performance as well and many tiny differences that change your chances of survival. life would most likely be a lot easier.

  5. unsilenced on said:

    pumi, also please don’t make out like i’m bringing any black person down. i have not said anything to the effect of deadbeat/ manipulative black man, sisi. i know this to be absolutely untrue. you are lucky to still have so much family, but understand that you are the exception not the rule. as i point out the life expectancies are not on our side. love is great in a marriage and that comes first. i just hope i have the luck to fall for someone who can make mine and my kids’ life easier. if your parents have 2 companies, it may be hard to imagine how important money is when you don’t have it. ask yourself why 60% of black children live in single parent homes. i don’t believe black fathers are any less loving, but it has been proven that wealthier people have lower divorce rates – yes it’s true as the number 1 issue that couples fight about is money. so i want ever lasting love and i have no money, so i hope to find someone who does so my relationship, myself and my children have a better chance of survival.

    • Unsilenced, a sincere request from a humble place. Kindly type the first letter of my name in CAPS please. I’m sure you meant no harm however, I am overly sensitive in that department. Thank you.

      I’m sorry if you feel as though I made you out to bring black men/ black people down, that was not my intent and thank you for clarifying. With regard to life expectancy ma’am, If the man I love has a short life expectancy, why not make the short time we have together the best, memorable, loving years of our lives? What if, the man with your desired life expectancy provides you with nothing but misery? Just as with my parents whom I feel/am ‘blessed’ to still have, as I sadly know that I too will lose them to the thief called death one day. Therefore, I make sure that I savour every moment I have with them.

      You say I am not the rule, and I agree. Who is the rule? If I may ask? I do know how hard it can be when there is no money, I also do know how hard it can be when there is money. See, money does not equate to happy, in some cases it makes living a lie look and seem nicer. Money carries with it no emotions, and yes we need it to survive but NOT to live nor LOVE. Thank-God for that.

      Let me get this straight (no judgment), as I may be that genie in the lamp… *smirk* so you prefer a white man, you have love to give and want a better chance at survival, right? I just may be able to hook you up! 😉 just keep in mind that sometimes if not most times, there is much more love in a RDP house than on a king size bed.

      Here is a twist; I am a ‘Single-married-woman living a single woman’s’ life yet still accountable for all my actions, I am raising my two beautiful children on my own. I have money (not an endless supply, but enough to keep me way above afloat), I have a great deal of honest genuine love to give, I was not raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, I have a cozy life and by far not easy. But where is the love? So, which % do I fall under? Hehehe… *Becareful what you wish for* EVERYTHING I have in my life I asked for at some stage in my life. My prayer has changed since, its simple yet more meaningful ’17’ years later I smile.

      I wish you find the love you desire.

      Love and Light!

  6. unsilenced on said:

    so my life expectancy is due to self hate? white supremacy is due to self hate. ah nosferatu, you are not reading…that’s why things don’t change. selective understanding.

    • It makes me so sad to read this thread. It makes me so sad cause no ones is actually wrong. Unfortunately Unsilenced is absolutely correct and honest in her stance…and I say unfortunately, because Mpumi is also absolutely correct and honest in her stance.

      When you have love and friendship in your relationship, like I do, then all of a sudden, love and friendship won’t be the most important thing to have in a relationship. Equally, when you have money and pseudo-security, because there’s a reason why money is called a liquid, does can come and can go…doesn’t discriminate.

      The Eagles ‘Hotel California’ says it best…”We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.” Cause I truly believes you will not truly understand Mpumi’s sentiments here until you get what you’re wishing for and see the wrong as she (admittedly so) did.

      I find it hard to know what the lesson here is though. I craved for family so much so that I left the money and security of white supremacy…to try and find it at home. Mind you, they woulnd up treating me like an outcast spoilt kid who didn’t know what he wanted anyway. I don’t regret my decisions though, cause I’d have never been able to live with myself. All I know is that, we (black people) have been soooooo fucked over by white people they’ll never even understand how far the depth of the scars we’ve been dealt go. Just look at us! And they’ll stay say get over it…I can’t trust a race that will never understand how much they fucked up, not just blacks in SA…around the world!

      • A great deal of healing is taking place around us, worldwide. Wounds run deep, not the physical kind. The racial card is still at play, however, this time silently. Like I said, love who you will, be it they pink/blue/grey or brown… Just do it genuinely, not for their sake, but your piece of mind.

        Thula, you are a darling! I’m just glad I can proudly say ‘I am part of this unforgettable history by giving birth to a BORN FREE Nation’ who can’t be bombarded with our internalised and unsolved racial issues. My fight is for them not I and I.

        ‘Beware of the goat that lives and sleeps in the Lions den’- (can’t remember)

        Nicely put Mr. 😉

  7. Montsho on said:

    Wow!!! Mpumi I love your block and the debate. I come from a very poor family, I did not finish my high school nor did not go to Uni, but one thing for sure I worked hard to prove to everyone that I can and I will. Today I work out of South Africa, and have done that because it was what I wanted to do. The sad thing is few months after leaving I asked my girlfriend whom we had a child together to join me, she refused, and she told me that when I come back, she will be Mrs. Someone, of which I was not happy about and did not want my son to have a stepfather.
    She went ahead with her plan, few months, year ahead it did not workout, so now because she sees that I am better in life she wants us to be together, I told her I don’t am not a reject!!!
    She started to deprive me connection with my son, things started getting out of control from her end, she was not able to even pay my son’s tuition fee, but refuse me to help #stupidandselfish# but as I had no intention of fighting with her and did not want my son to suffer, me and my son were connected and she didn’t even know, he told me all that I needed to know, and told him to get me the school account number and the tuition fee was paid all for the year, still she refused our connection. 2012 was diagnosed with cancer of which I fought it and overcome it, 2013, lost my brother, sister, 2 cousins straight after the other in between all that I was still fight the cancer, my son did not pay his Uni tuition fee for the year, I paid all the fees at one go, she is still hoping that we will get together, and that can not happen, I am married, happy with my wife and we both have a beautiful daughter. My wife is not South African, she is not British or Dutch either, but Asian, we are both hard workers and stand by each other with true love in between and not materialistic love.

    So hardworking pays off, and if you want money, you can have it provide you work hard and stop thinking only whites can give you that, I am a manager right now managing them white people Ina foreign country…. Did I ask anyone to help me NO hard work!!!

    So sisters hard work pays off, Who stops you from being a millionaire? You yourself nobody else, you wanna know how to make money, ask me I will tell you. By the way I am leaving in Dubai and me and my family we are moving to Australia, that is hard work. Get up and do it for yourself.
    Love PM

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