The aftermath of rape should never be taken for granted, 13 years later I still cry about it but life goes on… I was a 16-year-old virgin when I was raped twice in the same year, by the same man (lets call him *shitface*). This man was not a stranger to me, I saw him around my neighbourhood all the time. yet we never spoke, little did I know what plans he had for me.
Thursday 21st August, 1997. Was the day my life changed forever! I fought for what was mine, my legs intertwined from my hips to my ankles. I pleaded and cried No, please don’t but my screams fell on deaf ears. I continued to fight with my legs intertwined laying flat on my back in my school uniform, he was on top of me holding my arms firmly down wide-spread apart. With his knees, he tried to spread my legs apart, but he could not enter my tight grip, he tried several times but could not gain access. I thought he would give up and let go of me but instead, he started pinching my outer thighs in the effort to loosen my grip, he failed. This struggle continued for what seemed like forever, I continued to scream, beg, plead and cry Please NO… He became stronger and stronger and soon he only held me down with one hand instead of two. My screams got louder and louder. he eventually got off me, I was relieved, but only for a moment. He turned on the radio and before I knew it Luther Vandross- Always and forever was playing through the speakers LOUDLY (to this day I can’t listen to that song). I continued to plead, beg and cry and tried to escape but failed. He came closer, undressed (I had never seen a naked man before) he reached into the closet and pulled out a gun. Proudly showing me that it was loaded and ordered me to stop screaming, I did as he said.
The battle started again but this time not for long, my body became cold when I felt the mouth of the pistol against my head….and the rest is history.
I felt numb, cold, alone, dazed, withdrawn, lost, intense anger filled my being, depression took over my youthful soul, I could not sleep, and tried to scrub the smell of me. I tried to commit suicide twice but obviously failed. I became a different person and still am, sad but true. For the longest time I suffered in silence and it destroyed me badly. I buried the emotions in my subconscious mind that it affected my whole outlook on life, without me being aware of it.
Slowly but surely I made changes to my environment and my outlook on life, I started to see myself as a rape survivor and not a rape victim. I dealt with my fears head on, I allowed myself to mourn the death of my innocence and accepted the fact that however hard I try, I cannot turn back time. I know that I will be cursed with unwanted memories, flashbacks or nightmares that will rekindle the sensation and feelings I felt during my assault, but I refuse to allow them to make me powerless nor helpless. I turned my self-pity, self-blame, shame and doldrums into seeds of positive thinking, courage, freedom, Joy and spiritual calm from within. This journey has not been an easy one for me, not by a long shot! But I am a firm believer that depression looses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness.
Sex after Rape… all I will say is this is my second year of sexual freedom, and I am loving it! 😉
Dear Rapist, I forgave you a long time ago, I pray that God does not bless you with a GIRL child (She too might get raped)
***Dedicated to all boys and girls, men and women, this is my truth***