PUMI'S blog…

Life after Rape *A tell all*

The aftermath of rape should never be taken for granted, 13 years later I still cry about it but life goes on… I was a 16-year-old virgin when I was raped twice in the same year, by the same man (lets call him *shitface*). This man was not a stranger to me, I saw him around my neighbourhood all the time.  yet we never spoke, little did I know what plans he had for me.

Thursday 21st August, 1997. Was the day my life changed forever!  I fought for what was mine, my legs intertwined from my hips to my ankles. I pleaded and cried No, please don’t but my screams fell on deaf ears. I continued to fight with my legs intertwined laying flat on my back in my school uniform, he was on top of me holding my arms firmly down wide-spread apart. With his knees, he tried to spread my legs apart, but he could not enter my tight grip, he tried several times but could not gain access. I thought he would give up and let go of me but instead, he started pinching my outer thighs in the effort to loosen my grip, he failed.  This struggle continued for what seemed like forever, I continued to scream, beg, plead and cry Please NO… He became stronger and stronger and soon he only held me down with one hand instead of two. My screams got louder and louder. he eventually got off me, I was relieved, but only for a moment. He turned on the radio and before I knew it Luther Vandross- Always and forever was playing through the speakers LOUDLY (to this day I can’t listen to that song). I continued to plead, beg and cry and tried to escape but failed. He came closer, undressed (I had never seen a naked man before) he reached into the closet and pulled out a gun. Proudly showing me that it was loaded and ordered me to stop screaming, I did as he said.

The battle started again but this time not for long, my body became cold when I felt the mouth of the pistol against my head….and the rest is history. 

I felt numb, cold, alone, dazed, withdrawn, lost, intense anger filled my being, depression took over my youthful soul, I could not sleep, and tried to scrub the smell of me. I tried to commit suicide twice but obviously failed. I became a different person and still am, sad but true. For the longest time I suffered in silence and it destroyed me badly. I buried the emotions in my subconscious mind that it affected my whole outlook on life, without me being aware of it.

Slowly but surely I made changes to my environment and my outlook on life, I started to see myself as a rape survivor and not a rape victim. I dealt with my fears head on, I allowed myself to mourn the death of my innocence and accepted the fact that however hard I try, I cannot turn back time. I know that I will be cursed with unwanted memories, flashbacks or nightmares that will rekindle the sensation and feelings I felt during my assault, but I refuse to allow them to make me powerless nor helpless. I turned my self-pity, self-blame, shame and doldrums into seeds of positive thinking, courage, freedom, Joy and spiritual calm from within. This journey has not been an easy one for me, not by a long shot! But I am a firm believer that depression looses its power when fresh vision pierces the darkness.

Sex after Rape… all I will say is this is my second year of sexual freedom, and I am loving it! 😉 

Dear Rapist, I forgave you a long time ago, I pray that God does not bless you with a GIRL child (She too might get raped)

***Dedicated to all boys and girls, men and women, this is my truth***

This entry was published on November 13, 2010 at 21:57 and is filed under #ISaidNO!. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

26 thoughts on “Life after Rape *A tell all*

  1. jaw dropping…

    sharin similar sentiments…it happens to little boys too!

  2. Touching story Pumi. Thanks for sharing.
    Love you…

  3. We are the victors, not because we do anything else but live with a truth that dispels the legend of living in silence. For the strength in the act lies in it’s muting abilities.
    Love

  4. Wow…i think this post is very brave. I love the fact that you’re celebrating that you’re not a rape victim but a rape survivor. Many are not that strong. I salute you for fighting it:)

    • Hi Ruby, there is power in *Positive thinking* I pondered over this post for hours thinking (should I or should’nt I) I am glad I did!
      and I salute you for reading 🙂 Thank You.

  5. Well done on sharing this. I understand how difficult it must have been, but it is sharing and talking that we heal and help others.

    Sanity will prevail in our men.

    Thank you for your strength.

    • Dear Akona
      For the longest time I felt ashamed but all that did was have a negetive effect on my being. Even if I inspire one person’s healing process or make them aware that they are not alone or even put a smile on thier face just for a moment, then I say Halleluyah.

      I have faith in our men not all are devious, and yes I too hope that *Sanity will prevail in them*

      Thank you for reading.

  6. Pingback: Tweets that mention Life after Rape *A tell all* « Pumi1's Blog -- Topsy.com

  7. You are brave! I love the fact that you refuse to be a victim. Once again im blown away by your blog, Love Tk

    • I am just living my life the best way I know how, guided by my inner voice. I was not born to be a victim and will never live my life as such.

      Thank you TK sincerely appreciate it.

  8. Tarryn on said:

    Hi Pumi
    Powerful story; thank you for sharing it. I’d love to talk to you about a story I’m doing on women blogging about their rape experiences – can you email me on tarrynh@mg.co.za? Thanks!

  9. Tshego on said:

    OMG Mpumi, I can not completely say that I know what you went through. You just made me cry like I haven’t cried in a long time. Thank you for being the person that you are, I might just tell my story too one day. You are really an incredible person, no doubt

  10. woooooooooooooooooooow Iam a sirvivour .FROM UR TWITTER FRIEND U R TEACHNG GERMAN

  11. it has been 3yrs ngiziblamer at the back of my mind i thot yeah it was my fault invited this man in my life .i wud cry especially the first yr it happend my izinyembezi kwakungukudla kwami. i cud nt tell a soul bt slowly die in silence , today is the very frst tym im voicing it out . i am a rape survivor and im going to make it ! this my first step to being free .i love u Mpumi ypu always make sense to me . YOU ARE MY SPECIAL CASE I am so proud of having such strong women in my life time I learn new positive things from you evrytime . as im responding tears are streaming down my face kodwa sthandwa sam one ill do this with no tears !!!

    Iam proud of you sincerely

    • it has been 3yrs ngiziblamer at the back of my mind i thot yeah it was my fault invited this man in my life .i wud cry especially the first yr it happend izinyembezi kwakungukudla kwami. i cud nt tell a soul bt slowly die in silence , today is the very frst tym im voicing it out . i am a rape survivor and im going to make it ! this my first step to being free . always make sense to me . YOU ARE MY SPECIAL CASE I am so proud of having such strong women in my life time I learn new positive things from you evrytime . as im responding tears are streaming down my face kodwa one day ill do this with no tears !!!

      Iam proud of you sincerely

    • And I love you too Slu. We spoke about it, and I told you not to rush your healing process, it takes time… and just when you think you are strong enough, those unwanted memories will sick you down under and fast… just KEEP POSITIVE. And remember this IT WAS AND WILL NEVER be your fault! Not even if you walked in the street naked, or were the loud/drunk girl dancing on table tops in a shady bar.. No one has abusive right over your body! NO ONE! I read you tweets and I smile thinking to myself “Woooooooo my girl is healing ayeye right now!” LOL

      You know where to find me sthandwa.

  12. Slu, I wish I had more time to sit and reply to your comment… I have to dash out now… I’ll reply in detail when I return from my errands. I say this to let you know that I am not ignoring you 😉

  13. Mike on said:

    i have never understood men who rape, it tears me apart in my soul. Jesus can heal your brokennes if you sincerely ask Him. I am so sorry for the rape done to anyone, on behalf of these monsters who destroy lives, innocents and dreams.

    • Hey Mike
      We grow through what we go through. The healing is “terminal” (if I may) a constant battle to get over the aftermath… so we grow.

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment.

      Bless.

  14. ntokozo on said:

    wow i am soo happy to hear this it happened to me i was a child and it was my cousin. i do remember my mom taking me to the clinic because i was urinating blood and they concluded that i was raped being a child i ddnt know what that was so whenever they asked i just said i dont know. but i remember the one person who used to play with me in that way. he called it playing and yeah i forgave him told my mom and she just blushed it off.
    but i am ok though i am very protective of my daughter even have dreams of her being raped as well it is horrible but i am getting thru it and do not think about it that much.

    you inspire me. big ups to you girl

  15. Ayanda Ngomane on said:

    Reading this blog over and over again! Thanks Mpumi 🙂

    • Hey Ayanda

      I too secretly come back here and re-read this blog in particular…. and each time up visit it I find a new kind of healing. ;-). Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment.

      You are welcome. Xoxo

  16. *speechless* God All over this

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