“Happily ever after”
I can’t help but have a silly grin on my face when I hear these words, and yes, I now it’s not true but somewhere deep inside I had pictured this Happily ever after kind of life *Think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman; the belcony scene*
Let’s be honest with ourselves Marriage is not for the faint hearted and it’s not always a pretty sight and that is a fact! If Cinderella were real, her whimsical Disney fairy tale would be classified under Horror along with Night mare on Elm street.
Ok my marriage is not *Freddy Kruger* bad, but it has its ups and downs which constantly offer lessons to be learnt along the way. Funny how much we learn about ourselves by the way you treat our partners.
My definition of marriage is an imperfect bizarre real-life love, the kind that get’s you screaming “THIS IS NOT WHAT I SINGED UP FOR” one day and “I LOVE YOU” the next and at times gets you so crazily wounded up, you could run naked into the bush just to hide and find peace of mind…. now tell me, what is not bizarre about that, hah?
I wish women could be told the horrific as well as the candy coated truth about marriage and child-birth, to get us better equipped to deal with the reality. For example, no one tells you how truly painful giving birth to a child really is or that you will look like a freaken Godzilla, walk like a duck and feel like a penguin (and no, I am not referring to any of the characters in *happy feet* or *Surf’s Up*). If I recall, the advise given to me by my elder’s (Paternal Aunts) on the day of my tradition wedding; “Do as your husband tell’s you, never argue with him, never deny him sex, dress like a married woman i.e cover up, never speak about your problems, never befriend unmarried women, cook, clean and take care of your husband… blah, blah, blah, waka, waka) never once was I told to do what makes me happy within limits of course, not to lose myself or my identity, that it is ok to have fun and make friends because one cannot be an island, I wish I could have been taught how to deal with temptation when it hits you like a ton of bricks during the ‘sex-less’ phase of ones marriage (imperfect bizarre real-life love) I guess everyday is a learning opportunity!
Please don’t get me wrong I am not against marriage at all. It’s just that my outlook on life, love, sex and marriage is not through rose-tinted glasses and this by no means makes me a negative or an unhappy person, I just prefer reality vs perception #ThatsAll
My reality also comes with the fact that there will be *dry-spell* moments in a marriage and that is normal (definitely not ok for me) but normal none the less. When I sence these *dry-spell* moments approaching, I go grocery shopping and pay the bookstore a visit, because I know that there will be a lot of munching and reading and a lot less touching taking place, though I must admit that one or two dreams of Tae Diggs does manage to take the edge off…hahaha! (it’s moments like these that make me wish to come back as a rabbit in my next lifetime). 😉
Hubby can be complicated and lovable at times and from where he sits I too am simply complicated and he may want to throw a hand grenade at me ever so often. So I’ve decided to take the time to learn him like learning a newborn baby, because believe it or not, he too did not come with a manual. And like an amoeba continuously changes shape, so do his moods at any given time of the day, today was at 07:40! Never a dull moment I tell ya. You see, along with childbirth came this beautiful gift I have of *Selected Deafness* which automatically switches itself on when my ears hear (blaaah, blaaaah blaaaaaah, blaaaaaaahh).
So before I go all Dr. Phil on you, here are a few hints and tips that worked for me and still continue to work (This is no guarantee that it will work for you too) use it don’t use it, it’s up to you;
1. Communication is key (no, I do not mean whining)
2. Sometime silence truly is golden (when you are really angry, Shut up!)
3. Deal with your own insecurities first (you will find out what YOU are really made of)
4. All is fair in love and war (name-calling is silly and childish)
5.Take time-out for yourself
6. You can ONLY change yourself and no one else
7. LAUGH A LOT (It helps)
8. It’s ok to wonder, Is this it? (say bye, bye to the honeymoon phase)
9. Sometimes an argument needs to breathe (go to bad MAD)
10.You will go without sex sometimes, for a week, a month or two or three or maybe more (you have not lost your Mojo, he is just preoccupied #thatsAll) use your resources ;).
It is a given fact that marriage comes with its hardships, good times, loveless times and a lot more. Every fight, every lovemaking, including all the good and loveless times miraculously bring us closer together as people and as a couple and we can only grow wiser and love each other deeper and stronger with time.
my 2 cents worth 😉